Not that my son didn’t tell my assistant she was fat, wipe his boogers on the wall (3 walls, last week), or try to punch a kid on the playground during his 3rd birthday party at the park. And that’s just my son, my two daughters each have their own list of horrifying, impulsive and/or gross misdeeds (“mommy, I touch my poo”, need I say more?). When I say “good”, I mean an underlying desire to be good in their parents’ eyes, a willingness to help each other, an empathy for another’s need. They are kind to others, respectful of adults and able to apologize for their mistakes.
I believe that the reason our kids are, for the most part, so good is because of the simple agreement we have with them as their parents. My husband and I put their needs first, and they do what we ask in return. As parents, we have discerned what we believe they truly need, versus the infinite list of what they want and we also request of our kids a short list of how they need to behave to be members of our family.
What we have decided our young kids need is a safe environment in which they can explore, discover, and act upon the best of themselves based on a deep connection with us, their parents. So we have a stay-at-home parent (me, their Mom) who’s in charge of their safety, of their routines (to make sure they eat right, sleep enough, stay active and get to the dentist and the doctor) and of creating experiences where they and their parents can see their strengths and challenges. I’m also in charge of keeping myself sane, so I can draw on a very deep well of patience and humor – because if I’m not enjoying them, then none of this will ever help them. They need to know that they bring joy to our lives, that they are a light in our home.
What we ask in return is that they bring their best selves to our family and in their daily life. We ask them to be polite, helpful, and respectful. This is asking for their best based on what they know they can do, not based on any comparison or preconceived notion. Our kids get our approval, acceptance, attention and love as much as they need it, when they need it. And, for the most part, we get polite, sweet kids who are interesting, communicative and funny. I listen carefully to my kids (man, they can talk a lot!), and engage in their ideas (yes, chocolate-dipped carrots sound delicious, of course you can try one). I also ask that they listen to me carefully and follow through with time-outs if they don’t. My husband and I provide a full family life based on a loving marriage and a home environment without the distractions of adult drama (e.g, shouting, fighting, moving in/out, dating). With this foundation, our children are free to develop their own interests, personality, intellect, and ability to contribute.
I see childhood as a time to discover who you are in a safe, protected environment, find the structures that will hold you up in the difficult moments ahead, and understand your inherent, unique value to see how you can make the world a better place. Our kids have an unquestionable connection to two people that put their needs above their own and a safe, respectful and calm place to grow up. We have a chance to give back to the world adults who are ready to contribute their best.
